Monday, January 30, 2006

SOTU Bingo

President Bush will give his much-anticipated State of the Union address tomorrow evening. I assume it will be typically shabby performance that will be hailed as a "remarkable comeback" almost before he is finished.

Here's a proposed drinking-game/bingo so that we can all play along and enjoy ourselves. You can win by picking a row in any direction. If President Bush does or says all the items specified in your row, you will win a valuable prize. (Which you will award yourself).

I tried to format these squares as a beautiful, lovely, square HTML table, but it was just a horrible nightmare after Blogger got through with it. So, here, as a list of lists, we have: SOTU Bingo!

  • Does weird cud-chewing motion with jaw.

  • Waits for laugh, doesn't get it, looks irked.

  • Uses the phrase "cut and run", as if America's foreign policy should be determined by the hillbilly code of ethics.

  • Mispronounces common, everyday word.

  • Mispronounces common, everyday word in a way wholly different from the way Texans speak.

  • Uses the phrase "economy is strong, and it's getting stronger".

  • Shares heartwarming story of gratitude from alleged citizen.

  • Quotes from letter allegedly written to white house by military personnel.

  • Points to alleged story/letter authors, both grinning and sitting next to his animatronic wife, Laura.

  • Says "9/11" over and over like it just happened.

  • Speaks in a way that makes your thoughts gently, gently wander towards the area of "possible brain damage from cocaine."

  • Points to actual, black Katrina victim in audience who loves President Bush with all her heart. Animatronic wife Laura starts hugging, smiling subroutines.

  • Uses folksy language to slowly explain something that any adult would know, like "democracy."

  • Pauses and weird emphases in the middle in a word that makes you wonder if he's having a stroke as you watch.

  • Explains how a recent letter from a concerned citizen caused him to re-think entire U.S. economy

  • Defends the decision to invade Iraq one... more... time.

There are too many negative accomplishments that President Bush will not mention, so we can't have a negative bingo card, with the many things that he will not say. It's just too depressing. However, if he says or does any of these things, you may color me "surprised."

  • Details how he crapped his pants when Scooter Libby was indicted.

  • Discusses why he is a substantially better president than Nixon.

  • Explains why he would rather clear brush than have sex with his wife.


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