Saturday, February 25, 2006

Consumer Reports Nudie Hotline

"Hello, Consumer Reports Nudie Hotline. How may I help you?"

"Yeah, hi. I'm standing here with some friends, and they're trying to get me to rent Eyes Wide Shut. I've heard it's some artsy-fartsy thing. I think we should rent Porky's or American Pie instead."

"And your question is?"

"Well, do we get to see Nicole Kidman naked or not?"

"Yes, indeed, sir. She's naked as a jaybird during some fantasy love-making scenes."

"Good god-amighty! Is she hot?"

"Scorching, sir."

"Is there any other nudity?"

"Scads of it, sir. There are several scenes with exquisitely beautiful women, both totally nude and also clad in skimpy underwear."

"Holy jeez! I guess I was wrong about— hey, wait a minute."


"If this movie is so hot, why are there so many copies of it here to be rented?"

"It's dull, sir."

"How's that?"

"It's a dull movie, it's boring. Kubrick took an Arthur Schnitzler novella from 1925 about a man who is tempted by others, but who never gets laid, until he eventually realizes that his wife might also want to have sex. From that, Kubrick made an extremely dull movie. For instance, many beautiful women walk here and there, but no one ever actually kisses or has anything like realistic sex. By the end of the movie, you will be watching it in dull, listless apathy."

"You said it was hot."

"No, sir, I said that Nicole Kidman was hot. Her lovemaking scenes are quite enchanting."

"Well, I guess I co— wait, wait. How long are these scenes?"

"Oh, 20 seconds."


"Perhaps less. And they're split up into small fragments that are seen only when Tom's character is distressed to remember that his wife mentioned an erotic dream to him once."

"This is crap! Why did so many people go to see this boring movie?"

"The movie is so beautifully shot that you can spend the entire time keenly anticipating the next scene, which might actually be exciting. By the end of the movie, you've spent over two hours waiting for something to happen. But, it never does. Tom never gets laid. The conspiracy probably isn't real. Or, perhaps it was real. You still won't care. Ultimately, his wife mentions that she would like to have sex with him, but that is perhaps not as daring a stroke as it seemed in 1925."

"Why did they even make this movie?"

"My best guess is: Stanley Kubrick wanted to see Nicole Kidman naked. Or perhaps he enjoyed tweaking Tom Cruise with some homosexual references. I don't know, sir. In any case, Kubrick had some experiments in mind for interior lighting, which were breathtaking successes. For cinematography fans, this is one of the greatest movies of all time, even surpassing Barry Lyndon, which, now that I've brought it up, sir, was another beautiful snoozer."

"Bullshit, man. We're going to rent Porky's."

"Good call, sir. You can't go wrong with the classics."


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